I grew up knowing that my grandmother committed suicide when my
father was just 12 years old. I know it was extremely hard on him and
his family not just because they lost a mother but because my father
had four younger sisters and his father was self-employed.

I was hyperactive as a youth and many people predicted that I would
never amount to anything. (People were rather surprised when I got my
third college degree.) People predicted that I would never make it to
adulthood because I was so wild and accident prone. I suffered from a
great deal of rejection due to my personality and hyperactivity. I
got in trouble in school a lot.

As I grew up, I battled with depression and feelings of worthlessness
and sadness but I made a promise to God and myself when I was about
15 that I would never commit suicide because I didn’t want to do that
to my father, because he had already been through that with his
mother, and also because I came to the conclusion that desires to
kill yourself almost always pass. I didn’t want to do that foolishly
to myself so in the times when I wasn’t suicidal, I reflected on
those mistaken beliefs when I was suicidal, that things would never
get better. They always did. I decided that I would be an optimist
intellectually, and no matter how bad I felt or how hopeless I felt,
that I would not let my feelings dictate my life but rather my
intellect. I promised myself I would always just keep on truckin’ and
wait to let things get better.

I was eventually diagnosed as being bi-polar. My usual mental state
was one of hypo-mania or mania with infrequent bouts of severe,
suicidal depression.

Eventually, my cousin on my father’s side also committed suicide and
then one of my very closest friends that I had grown up with
committed suicide when I was about 29.

I have had about 5 serious bouts of depression in my life lasting
anywhere from 6 months to a year each where thoughts of suicide were
my most constant thoughts and desire. It was the thing I thought
about 95% of the time during these periods of depression…..just
wishing I were dead. When I was in these suicidal times all I wanted
to do was die but because of my promise to God and myself that I
wouldn’t commit suicide, I have never even attempted it.

Now, I am 47 years old, again having tough times but am not now
suicidal. Just a few months ago I ended another 6 month bout of
suicidal depression but I again came out of it.

I just am thankful that I gave a lot of thought when I wasn’t
suicidal about what to do when I was suicidal. In other words, I
decided, when I was not suicidal, that when I was suicidal, I would
not kill myself. It was my thoughts and decisions made when I was not
depressed that I reflected on when I was suicidal.

I think that while there might have been bad things going on in my
life when I was suicidal, that the ideation of killing myself was
caused by problems with my brain chemistry and that the thoughts that
I would be better off dead were caused by chemical imbalances; that
they were not the result of rational thinking. I tried to always
remember that the past bouts of suicide eventually ended.

I would tell anyone who is suicidal to first of all, have a cup of
coffee. It’s a stimulant and can raise the spirits. I know it sounds
simple but it helps many people get through the day and suicide
prevention can be a moment by moment process sometimes.

I know it might sound trite but I would always tell them there
shouldn’t be any rush to kill yourself, you can always do it later. I
would also tell them that emotions are often big lies. Don’t listen
to your emotions, listen to what you told yourself when you weren’t
suicidal. Your intellect should tell you that you have to remain
alive for things to get better.

I would also tell someone that even though things might look bleak
now and that they don’t look like they’re gonna get any better, that
they should be patient to give themselves time for things to get
better. I would also tell anyone suicidal that many people who are
suicidal are suffering from chemical problems in the brain and that
there are many, many good medications out there to help them and lots
of people to help them. Many people believe that they can’t afford
medications (at one time my meds were $1200 a month which insurance
didn’t cover), so, I would inform them that Walmart has three
anti-depressants that cost $4 per month. That’s right, my Prozac is
$4 for a one month supply. Most anti-depressants are 300-500 dollars
a month. Anyone who is suicidal should make it their #1 job to find
help.

I would tell anyone that they are not alone. That life is often hard
for many people but that no matter what is going on, to continue to
live is to have an opportunity to get better.

Finally, I would ask them if in the past they had ever felt like life
was not worth living only to eventually feel better and realize that
they benefited by continuing to fight to live. I would tell them this
is just another one of those times when their thoughts are wrong
about things being hopeless and that they just need to be patient
even though things seem hopeless.