I was trying to kill myself
I grew up knowing that my grandmother committed suicide when my father was just 12 years old. I know it was extremely hard on him and his family not just because they lost a mother but because my father had four younger sisters and his father was self-employed.
I was hyperactive as a youth and many people predicted that I would never amount to anything. (People were rather surprised when I got my third college degree.) People predicted that I would never make it to adulthood because I was so wild and accident prone. I suffered from a great deal of rejection due to my personality and hyperactivity. I got in trouble in school a lot.
As I grew up, I battled with depression and feelings of worthlessness and sadness but I made a promise to God and myself when I was about 15 that I would never commit suicide because I didn't want to do that to my father, because he had already been through that with his mother, and also because I came to the conclusion that desires to kill yourself almost always pass. I didn't want to do that foolishly to myself so in the times when I wasn't suicidal, I reflected on those mistaken beliefs when I was suicidal, that things would never get better. They always did. I decided that I would be an optimist intellectually, and no matter how bad I felt or how hopeless I felt, that I would not let my feelings dictate my life but rather my intellect. I promised myself I would always just keep on truckin' and wait to let things get better.
I was eventually diagnosed as being bi-polar. My usual mental state was one of hypo-mania or mania with infrequent bouts of severe, suicidal depression.
Eventually, my cousin on my father's side also committed suicide and then one of my very closest friends that I had grown up with committed suicide when I was about 29.
I have had about 5 serious bouts of depression in my life lasting anywhere from 6 months to a year each where thoughts of suicide were my most constant thoughts and desire. It was the thing I thought about 95% of the time during these periods of depression.....just wishing I were dead. When I was in these suicidal times all I wanted to do was die but because of my promise to God and myself that I wouldn't commit suicide, I have never even attempted it.
Now, I am 47 years old, again having tough times but am not now suicidal. Just a few months ago I ended another 6 month bout of suicidal depression but I again came out of it.
I just am thankful that I gave a lot of thought when I wasn't suicidal about what to do when I was suicidal. In other words, I decided, when I was not suicidal, that when I was suicidal, I would not kill myself. It was my thoughts and decisions made when I was not depressed that I reflected on when I was suicidal.
I think that while there might have been bad things going on in my life when I was suicidal, that the ideation of killing myself was caused by problems with my brain chemistry and that the thoughts that I would be better off dead were caused by chemical imbalances; that they were not the result of rational thinking. I tried to always remember that the past bouts of suicide eventually ended.
I would tell anyone who is suicidal to first of all, have a cup of coffee. It's a stimulant and can raise the spirits. I know it sounds simple but it helps many people get through the day and suicide prevention can be a moment by moment process sometimes.
I know it might sound trite but I would always tell them there shouldn't be any rush to kill yourself, you can always do it later. I would also tell them that emotions are often big lies. Don't listen to your emotions, listen to what you told yourself when you weren't suicidal. Your intellect should tell you that you have to remain alive for things to get better.
I would also tell someone that even though things might look bleak now and that they don't look like they're gonna get any better, that they should be patient to give themselves time for things to get better. I would also tell anyone suicidal that many people who are suicidal are suffering from chemical problems in the brain and that there are many, many good medications out there to help them and lots of people to help them. Many people believe that they can't afford medications (at one time my meds were $1200 a month which insurance didn't cover), so, I would inform them that Walmart has three anti-depressants that cost $4 per month. That's right, my Prozac is $4 for a one month supply. Most anti-depressants are 300-500 dollars a month. Anyone who is suicidal should make it their #1 job to find help.
I would tell anyone that they are not alone. That life is often hard for many people but that no matter what is going on, to continue to live is to have an opportunity to get better.
Finally, I would ask them if in the past they had ever felt like life was not worth living only to eventually feel better and realize that they benefited by continuing to fight to live. I would tell them this is just another one of those times when their thoughts are wrong about things being hopeless and that they just need to be patient even though things seem hopeless.
